Here are the "Official" Patch Notes for the StarCraft universe, synthesized from the collective salt of the forums, the tears of ladder players, and the "Zerg Cabal" meetings.
[Protoss]
[Terran]
Developer Note: We hope these changes make the ladder more "interesting" (toxic). See you in the salt mines!
StarCraft: Brood War – Patch 1.33.7: "The Artosis Curse"
“We haven’t changed this game in 25 years, but we decided to finally fix the ‘Skill Issue’ bug.”[Protoss]
- Dragoon: The pathfinding algorithm has been updated to be even more creative. Dragoons will now actively seek out the most scenic route to a battle, often stopping to contemplate the meaning of life behind a single Mineral Patch.
- Artosis Pylon: Any Pylon powering more than four structures is now automatically renamed a "Single Point of Failure." If this Pylon is destroyed, the game will automatically play a 10-minute loop of Artosis screaming at a TV.
- Carrier: Increased the "Cool Factor" by 20%. Reduced the "Actually Winning Games" factor by 50%.
- Siege Tank: Now features a "Friendly Fire" toggle. Just kidding, it’s always on. Enjoy your own Marines’ remains.
- Flash Mode: If the game detects you are playing against Lee "Flash" Young-ho, your Command Center will simply self-destruct at the 0:01 mark to save you 20 minutes of suffering.
- Mutalisks: Now move in a "Magic Box" formation by default. If you aren't clicking at 400 APM, the units will simply look at you with disappointment.
- Lurkers: Now 100% invisible to anyone over the age of 30 whose eyes are tired from staring at CRT monitors since 1998.
StarCraft II – Patch 5.1.0: "The Cabal’s Revenge"
“Balancing the game around the Top 10 people on Earth and ignoring the other 2 million.”[Terran]
- Widow Mine: Now fires invisible, heat-seeking missiles that also cast Psionic Storm. This change was made to ensure Terran players can continue to win games while tabbed out watching a Netflix documentary.
- Ghost: Health increased to 1,000,000. It turns out "Steady Targeting" was too hard to land, so we just made the Ghost a literal tank with a sniper rifle.
- Mules: Can now be dropped directly onto enemy units to deal "Emotional Damage."
- The Zerg Cabal: We have officially added a "Cabal Meeting" button to the UI. Pressing it allows Zerg pros to whisper directly into the developers' ears to request more Queen nerfs that somehow actually buff the race.
- Viper: "Abduct" range increased to "Global." You can now pull a Mothership from a completely different match happening on another server.
- Banelings: Still cost almost nothing but act like tactical nukes. We considered nerfing them, but a very scary Larva sent us a threatening email.
- General: Protoss has been moved to the "Participation Trophy" category.
- Mothership: Now costs 400/400 and has been renamed "The Big Slow Target." Its primary ability is now "Die Instantly to a Single Abduct."
- Shield Battery Overcharge: Replaced with "Energy Overcharge." This does nothing to stop a 2-base all-in, but it makes your Nexus look very shiny while you’re losing.
- Disruptor: Purification Nova now has a 50% chance to just vanish because "Protoss isn't allowed to have nice things."
- Fixed a bug where Protoss players were accidentally winning premier tournaments. This has been corrected.
- Fixed a bug where IdrA would occasionally stay in a game after losing a single Scout.
- Fixed "NASL Sound Guy" – Just kidding, we couldn't find him; the audio is still peaking at 200%.
Developer Note: We hope these changes make the ladder more "interesting" (toxic). See you in the salt mines!